A Mother's Perspective

So I feel it is time to write how I perceived Tara's journey:

When I first detected Tara's squint in June the first thing I said was: I hope she does not have a tumour and quickly dismissed that as negative thinking rather than intuition. I went to the doctor however and told her I am worried there might be something wrong with her nervous system or the brain. She said it was just a lazy eye and nothing serious. I was not convinced especially when Tara started being wobbly. I kept looking at Tara hoping to see a glimpse of underlying problems or find a magic remedy. I consulted homeopathy and Bachflowers hoping something would help when none of this of course would disparate that tumour but at least it might have increased her strength for what was to come.

Once the MRI scan revealed a tennis ball size brain tumour pressing on the sixth nerve my doubts were validated but also the guilt came up: Did I create this beast? Of course I did not, I would have to be a very bad witch if I could create a brain tumour besides hers was a slow growing tumour as we were to find out later and existed long before her first symptom the squint.

I had no knowledge of tumours and it being tennis ball size in a 2 year old's head was just more than frightening. I did not know whether to scream, cry or RUN. I just wanted to run away. I had two hours of emotional breakdown, which might have looked blank to people around me. Then I had a realization when I was met by somebody telling me they were sooo sorry and giving me a look as if I had lost her already, which reflected my inner fear.

Running away or breaking down crying will not help Tara now I had to be “reality creative”. In the year preceding I had read so much about creating reality in books like “the secret” that I knew if my body, soul and mind unite in sorrow and fear envisioning the worst I might even compromise Tara's recovery. I now had a chance to use what I learnt.

I asked myself what is it I actually want? I remembered how Tara used to dance before she stopped walking and decided to be as happy as I would be if I saw her dancing again and whenever worry came over me I would put a vision of Tara's dance into my inner eye. Making it just a picture would only be the mind. If I were to unite body, mind and soul to create reality I had to feel the joy of this vision being reality and I just had to be happy even in Tara's toughest time.

Of course that might have appeared odd to some people: Does she have no heart how can she be so composed and happy in this moment? Does she not love her daughter?

Of course I did! Because I loved her I had to be happy imagining the dance and this is what I told that person: Please don't feel sorry for us or Tara just be as happy as you would be if you saw her dance again. If you can't do that put your faith in god and pray for her because god is almighty and capable of miracles. Being positive is not just a matter of wishful thinking. It means thinking, feeling and acting positively. In fact just being positive and happy in every moment.

When we arrived at the hospital in London Tara was just ready to go for surgery and we were informed that she was going to have the tumour removed immediately rather than just taking a biopsy. Just taking a biopsy was a scary thought is would have meant at least 5 more days before we find out what it is and what the plan of action would be. The surgeon said he strongly believed this to be a benign tumour since only they can reach this size without killing the body just by being there. Her symptoms only came through the size of this tumour pressing on the nerves and obstructing the path of the brain fluid.

This was the first good news I had heard since the existence of the tumour was revealed and I put all my faith in that surgeon who was in midst of a 72 hour shift and still decided to do surgery all through the night. What a hero!! He later told us she had arrived in London with minutes to spare. Had anything gone wrong on the way to the hospital, she would have died. Someone up there willed her to live!

Were my creative thoughts, the prayers of friends and family we contacted and the worldwideprayergroup I put her on whilst being driven to London partly responsible for her arriving just in time and the surgeon having the initiative to just get this “thing” out straight away?. Would the outcome have been different if I had put all my energy into worrying and crying?

So after the surgery I was still using Arnica and Bach flower remedies to speed up her recovery as I knew they would heal her body as well as her soul from the Trauma she had been through. It was my way of feeling I was doing something and I still envisioned her dancing every day in the hospital.

Friends who were holding a full moon fire party sent healing energy to Tara dedicating the night to her. Apparently the power of thought or how I like to call it the creative power of the unity of body, mind and soul are most powerful in full moon nights. If nothing else being informed of the dedication of this party that I was looking forward to go to before Tara's diagnosis helped increase my strength to stand by her side as a calming, loving support.

Whilst I am not giving myself credit for this as Tara is the person who had to endure all the physical pain and survive it I do believe that being pro active helped even if just a tiny bit in strengthening her spirit and I did my best to keep this spirit up during her whole recovery after the 11.5 hour surgery.

I took a lot out of me being strong for her all the time, seeing her all puffed up,. on life support and on all sorts of painkillers. Seeing cannula's on every hand and foot and them swelling up with tiny veins breaking under the pressure. It would have been too easy to just cry every day.

It gives me attacks of fear to the day when visions of this come up and I re envision her dancing again.

To lift my spirits after her coming out from hospital and to fuel up my inner positivity I decided to go to a very spiritual place in Italy for a poi retreat when I was offered a free place. There besides increasing my skills in my favourite art poi I also meditated on the vision of a happy dancing Tara every day and even my fire dance in the temple was picturing the little caterpillar coming out of her cocoon to soar like a butterfly high into the sky.

I believe I was magically creative but you might just think I was justifying travelling to have fun and leaving dad alone to look after her!