Why?

Someone posted the following quote on the low grade glioma support group that I subscribe to:

"The question, "Why do children suffer?" has no answer, unless it's simply, "To break our hearts." Once our hearts get broken, they never fully heal. They always ache. But perhaps a broken heart is a more loving instrument. Perhaps only after our hearts have cracked wide open, have finally and totally unclenched, can we truly know love without boundaries." 
~Fred Epstein, MD [pediatric neurosurgeon]

There's a lot of truth in that quote for me - I'm not sure I truly appreciated the gift of parenthood until Tara fell ill. Now my love for my children is blossoming and I feel as though I am becoming a gentler and more compassionate human being. So if the family can get through this then the experience might actually be a blessing.

The quote also reminded me of the time very early one morning when I was sat by Tara's bed in intensive care, shortly after the operation that saved her life. One of the doctors was checking on Tara, and whilst she was doing so, I asked her the simple question, "why?" I had tried to be so strong and positive for all the family, but alone with Tara right then (with all sorts of equipment keeping her alive, and out of pain), I felt very low and I was crying. The doctor lifted my spirits immediately though; she suggested that I would probably never find the cause of Tara's illness, and perhaps the only reason for it was that ours was a family that would cope. So rather than wondering about such things, I would be better focusing entirely on Tara's wellbeing. 

I also remember telling that story to Sally, who runs Tara's nursery. She told me that she didn't believe there were any reasons for such things; that such events were purely random and one shouldn't blame oneself or wonder if there was anything that could have been done differently. 

Maybe one day, with increased awareness and more research, we'll find out "why?" But I won't hold my breath until then. Both Sally and the doctor were right - I'm better focusing on here and now, and Tara's continued good health. That attitude has worked beautifully so far. Meanwhile, my love for the children continues to grow, due in no small part to the experience of an aching heart.